Better Marriage

This is a simple, short list of steps that is entitled "Steps to Keep from Divorce."  Although they might seem small and insignificant, if effort and desire are actually put forth into the steps, then they will come together as the "never failing formula for successful marriages."

1. Careful Selection
2. Great Unselfishness
3. Continued Courtship
4. Keep Commandments of God

The key to making these steps work is to constantly do the last three.  There does not come a point in life where we are able to say, "I have been unselfish for the last week, so now I am allowed to be as selfish as I want."  It may seem silly to say it, but we need to be constantly re-evaluating ourselves to make sure we continue to do the last three steps in our lives.

Happy Thoughts

None of us have control over the initial events that take place in our lives.  We do, however, have control over how we react to them and what events might follow due to our reactions.

The trick to having happy thoughts is to observe and describe events without judgement.

Kinds of Love

In the English language, there is only one word for love:  love.  There is no way to differentiate between different kinds of love.  Luckily, in Greek, there are different words to describe the different types of love that people feel for one another.  I think it is important to know and understand the different types of love.  That way there is less confusion.

Storge is the kind of love a parent has for their child.  It reflects commitment, responsibility, and connection.
Philia is the love between friends.  It is also known as brotherly love.
Eros is lustful, romantic, and physical love.
Agape is charity.  It is a general concern for all people, both those known and unknown.

Although these different types of love are quite spread out, I think it is important to have at least some of each kind in your life.  Even more important is that all of them are expressed and shown within a marriage relationship.

The Dating Filter

The person that someone marries only gets to that stage by going through the dating filter.  This filter is a way of eliminating all other possible marriage options.  These are the stages of the dating filter.

1. World Population
2. Propinquity (another term for proximity)
3. Physical Attractiveness
4. Similarities
5. Those Someone Dates
6. Person Someone Marries

The filter would thus look like this.

Interaction Theories

There are four main theories on why and how people interact with each other, especially in a family.  Those theories are as follows:

• Family Systems Theory - Everyone has a role they fill and follow the rules of the family, spoken and unspoken.
• Exchange Theory - Every action in life is based off of giving and taking what one needs or wants.
• Symbolic Interaction Theory - Each person understands symbols in their own way which can vary from how another person understands them.  These symbols can include words, body language, tone of voice, etc.
• Conflict Theory - Behavior is based off of competition or the natural man.  It is a competition of who gets the power.

Compromise vs. Consensus

This week in class we were talking about disagreements and finding ways to solve them.  One thing that was pointed out is the difference between compromise and consensus that I had never thought of before.  It really stood out, so I decided to share it:

Compromise = disagreeing, but finding something in the middle so both parties are equally disappointed and satisfied.
Consensus = agreeing on something that both parties are satisfied by without any dissatisfaction.

Thus, even though compromise works for some things in life, in relationships, it is best to come to a consensus.

Plan a marriage, NOT a wedding

Today's world has come to a sad point:  The average wedding costs $27,000.  Does anyone else reading this instantly think, "Buy a car instead of wasting that money"?  I sure did when I found that out.

People usually do not put much thought into preparing for marriage.  Instead, they spend months and months planning a wedding and just expecting the marriage to be perfect and work itself out.  I do not understand this thought process.  One thing I have learned in life is that any relationship that is not worked on, does not work out.

Because of this poor understanding of preparing for marriage, we discussed the proper steps in class.  They are as follows:

Dating

• Go on a variety of dates with a variety of people

Courtship

• Go on many dates with one person
• This is a trial marriage, so many different experiences are needed

Engagement

• Learning to rely on each other/becoming one
• Work together to make important decisions (not just wedding decisions, but marriage decisions such as finances, children, discipline, etc.)

Marriage

• Honeymoon:  attentive to one another/building an "us"

Another important thing that was pointed out in class is that these steps are just that:  STEPS.  They are not a slide with curves that define the point a couple is at in their relationship.  They are, rather, steps that are clear and distinct and INTENDED.  Because of this, they need to be considered and worked at instead of just happening because the couple feels like they already passed into that stage of the "dating relationship."

Relationship Attachment Model

Below is an image of the RAM which is explained in more depth in the book How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk.



The gist of this model is that the relationships which survive follow this model.  As people learn to rely on each other, they trust each other more and know each other more than they trust each other.  As the levels on the right go higher, the functional relationship makes sure they do not go higher than the levers to the left.

We discussed this model in class and it really hit home for me.  I am a very physically oriented person, so I hug everyone.  This means that when I am dating someone, I tend to be even more physically focused with them than I am with anyone else.  This obviously has not worked out for the better for me since I am still single.  I found this model intriguing because I have never thought about it and it makes so much sense.  I just hope that anyone else who sees this and needs it will be able to use it.

Gender Roles?

This past week in class we discussed differences in gender and how each have a tendency of taking on specific roles.  We compiled a list of the differences between genders which is as follows:

Female:

• Cooperative
• Detail oriented
• Relationship oriented
• Landmark oriented
• Verbal
• Aware/Multiple focuses
• Need for others

Male:

• Competitive
• Task oriented
• Protective
• Spatially oriented
• Independent
• Individual focus

Granted these specific things are not descriptive of everyone no matter what; they are just a general list of typical attributes.  Once we had this list on the board, we talked about different roles and how usually females do the "inside" or "domestic" things while boys usually do the "outside" or "career oriented" things.  This made me wonder, so now I am asking those of you who read this to comment with a response to this question:  is it a good thing to have teach your children to be well rounded in both domestic and career oriented things?  or should the focus stay the way it is so that women are not more concerned about their jobs than their families and that men are not unconcerned about their jobs and providing for their families?

Let me know what you think, and I'll let you know my stance on the situation.

Social Classes

All week we have been discussing the connection between families and social class.  One thing that was pointed out a lot is that your families view of others (which is one of the behaviors that puts people in particular social classes) tends to be passed on in families.  There also tends to be an agreement in opinions between those of the same social class.

A story that kept coming to mind is one my roommate told me her psychology professor experienced.  He ended up speaking with someone in Rexburg, ID who did not look like most people in the area.  He looked more biker-esk when compared to the rest of the society.  Her professor asked him how he liked Rexburg.  His response was, "It is great.  The people are so nice.  They just are not nice to me."

In most Mormon societies and families, people grow up being taught not to judge people, but en up doing it subconsciously whenever they come across someone different from them.  Like that, the behaviors of other types of families tend to continue down through the family line so the children end up behaving like and being in the same social class as their parents and their parents' parents and so forth.

Shout Out for Dad

I just have to give a shout of thanks to my dad for always being there for me and my siblings as we grew up. My teacher told us a statistic in class that says, "The number one predictor of poverty is having a father in the home."  It may seem like such a small thing to have a father present in the home, but apparently it is a lot more important than I ever realized.  The fact makes sense, though.

In my Political Science class today we were talking about women's rights and the Equal Rights Amendment (which has not been passed for those who have not heard of it).  Basically it would make men and women equal in all things that have not been determined otherwise by the Supreme Court - things such as women not being part of the draft.  Women today still get paid less than men on average.  for every $1.00 earned by a man, a woman earns $0.76.  Granted, men have higher paying jobs on average than women, but that is exactly the point I am trying to make.  Men are able to earn more than women and are thus able to better support a family.  Without a father in the home, there is less of an income thus making it harder to stay out of poverty.

So once again, thanks Dad for being there.  You have helped make my life better in more ways than one.

Trends

In class on Wednesday we discussed the different trends within families that have been recognized by social science.  The main ones we discussed are as follows:


Cohabitation - increased
Adults living alone - increased
Marriages being postponed - increased
Household sizes - decreased
Single mothers - increased
Working mothers (especially those with children under 6) - increased
Birth rate - decreased
Premarital sex - increased

One thing that was pointed out by a classmate is a quote from The Family:  A Proclamation to the World.  It reads, "The disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets." 

I don't know about you, but it is kind of frightening how messed up the family is becoming.  Even though I did not always get along with my family, I am glad that we lived the way we did:  everyone together and always there for each other when needed.  I never had to worry about having to bounce back and forth between my mom and dad due to divorce.  I never had to come home from school to find nobody there because mom and dad were both at work.  I seem to have "had it easy," but I am glad I did.  It made life as a child less confusing than it likely was for other children who did have to live with those things.


People do not always think about the affect their actions have on others, especially children.  Something that seems like a tiny thing to a parent - like sending their kids to a child care center instead of letting them come home to parents after school - can drastically change the direction that child takes their life.  Family becomes less important to them because it is less important to their parents.  With the way we are depleting the importance of the family, it is no surprise it is falling apart.  When the family is gone, who will we turn to for help?  For comfort?  For support?

Introduction

Hey Everyone,

I am setting up this blog as part of my family relations class at Brigham Young University - Idaho.  I will be posting information about what I learn in my class with my opinions and insights into the different topics we discuss.  Feel free to respond to anything and everything you have an opinion on so we can learn more from each other.

-Alison Blau