Plan a marriage, NOT a wedding

Today's world has come to a sad point:  The average wedding costs $27,000.  Does anyone else reading this instantly think, "Buy a car instead of wasting that money"?  I sure did when I found that out.

People usually do not put much thought into preparing for marriage.  Instead, they spend months and months planning a wedding and just expecting the marriage to be perfect and work itself out.  I do not understand this thought process.  One thing I have learned in life is that any relationship that is not worked on, does not work out.

Because of this poor understanding of preparing for marriage, we discussed the proper steps in class.  They are as follows:

Dating

• Go on a variety of dates with a variety of people

Courtship

• Go on many dates with one person
• This is a trial marriage, so many different experiences are needed

Engagement

• Learning to rely on each other/becoming one
• Work together to make important decisions (not just wedding decisions, but marriage decisions such as finances, children, discipline, etc.)

Marriage

• Honeymoon:  attentive to one another/building an "us"

Another important thing that was pointed out in class is that these steps are just that:  STEPS.  They are not a slide with curves that define the point a couple is at in their relationship.  They are, rather, steps that are clear and distinct and INTENDED.  Because of this, they need to be considered and worked at instead of just happening because the couple feels like they already passed into that stage of the "dating relationship."

Relationship Attachment Model

Below is an image of the RAM which is explained in more depth in the book How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk.



The gist of this model is that the relationships which survive follow this model.  As people learn to rely on each other, they trust each other more and know each other more than they trust each other.  As the levels on the right go higher, the functional relationship makes sure they do not go higher than the levers to the left.

We discussed this model in class and it really hit home for me.  I am a very physically oriented person, so I hug everyone.  This means that when I am dating someone, I tend to be even more physically focused with them than I am with anyone else.  This obviously has not worked out for the better for me since I am still single.  I found this model intriguing because I have never thought about it and it makes so much sense.  I just hope that anyone else who sees this and needs it will be able to use it.

Gender Roles?

This past week in class we discussed differences in gender and how each have a tendency of taking on specific roles.  We compiled a list of the differences between genders which is as follows:

Female:

• Cooperative
• Detail oriented
• Relationship oriented
• Landmark oriented
• Verbal
• Aware/Multiple focuses
• Need for others

Male:

• Competitive
• Task oriented
• Protective
• Spatially oriented
• Independent
• Individual focus

Granted these specific things are not descriptive of everyone no matter what; they are just a general list of typical attributes.  Once we had this list on the board, we talked about different roles and how usually females do the "inside" or "domestic" things while boys usually do the "outside" or "career oriented" things.  This made me wonder, so now I am asking those of you who read this to comment with a response to this question:  is it a good thing to have teach your children to be well rounded in both domestic and career oriented things?  or should the focus stay the way it is so that women are not more concerned about their jobs than their families and that men are not unconcerned about their jobs and providing for their families?

Let me know what you think, and I'll let you know my stance on the situation.

Social Classes

All week we have been discussing the connection between families and social class.  One thing that was pointed out a lot is that your families view of others (which is one of the behaviors that puts people in particular social classes) tends to be passed on in families.  There also tends to be an agreement in opinions between those of the same social class.

A story that kept coming to mind is one my roommate told me her psychology professor experienced.  He ended up speaking with someone in Rexburg, ID who did not look like most people in the area.  He looked more biker-esk when compared to the rest of the society.  Her professor asked him how he liked Rexburg.  His response was, "It is great.  The people are so nice.  They just are not nice to me."

In most Mormon societies and families, people grow up being taught not to judge people, but en up doing it subconsciously whenever they come across someone different from them.  Like that, the behaviors of other types of families tend to continue down through the family line so the children end up behaving like and being in the same social class as their parents and their parents' parents and so forth.